If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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