Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
