32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
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I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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