Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
