He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
