xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
