We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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