Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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