The maid of honor just puked.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
