then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
