new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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