I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
