my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
