Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
