I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
