Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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