I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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