**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
