im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
