eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
