I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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