Non-Jews are for practice
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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