this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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