You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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