One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
