I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
