People in love make me want to vomit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
