I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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