you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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