the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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