I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Two words: blizzard sex
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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