We named our party play list daddy issues
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
