While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Omg I joined a choir last night...
try to milk me bitch
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
