3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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