Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
