What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
