my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
