She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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