I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They took my balls.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
