sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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