idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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