saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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