When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
