what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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