My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
