Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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