I love black thongs
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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