I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
