I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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