There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
