My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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