I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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