I accidentally had phone sex last night
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
