it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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