i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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