I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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